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Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind fanatics!

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[20 Jan 2006|01:03pm]

[ mood | sick ]

You know how when you first meet someone, he has all those qualities and you have these private jokes and little things, and you fall inlove with those little things.
After a while, the little things disappear, and your'e just left loving this person you wouldn't even like right now. you can't help it though, 'cos you already love them because of what you use to have.

I Just got out of a relationship like that, I was inlove with my best friend, and after we actually became a couple it all sorta went down hill.. he broke up with me, I tried begging him to get back to me since I love him more then life itself, but after sleeping on it (and a suicide attempt, actually) I woke up and realized he has been nothing but selfish and childish through out our relationship, and that I have nothing left in him worth loving.
Still, it's difficult to stop.

If I could, I'd erase all the little things about him back then, so I wouldn't fall inlove with him in the first place. so I wouldn't be stuck with lovely memories of an idiot. I would erase him completely too- in a heart beat. despite the fact that I feel better, and now know i'm better off without him.

Meet me in montauk..

[09 Mar 2005|10:28am]

[ mood | calm ]

A person or memory I wanted to erase...

There was this guy I dated named Alex. Man was I head over heels for him, but it didn't start like that you know we randomnly meet and got together. Well as the months progressed, I never wanted to recognive it but he'd changed and surely enough he broke up with me. That however was not the end. He dragged me beside him 7 months until he moved away. He had so much power over me, he never used a fist to hurt me just terrible terrible things hed say. He had a mental vice on me, I couldn't get away. At every chance he got he told me I was worthless and nothing, that i deserved to be a street whore, I'd never amount to anything. Then in the period of 7months I left and he broke down crying and sure enough I returned. Theres more and worse things but I'll end it on the light note. After he left I wanted him out of my head, I wanted him out of my heart, and I didn't want him to recognize him as a real person.

Thats not much of a story but meh. Theres plenty of other things Id like to erase.

My dads abuse
My 3 rapes
the hurt ive gone through

But in a sick sick way..I can't I need those memories there, they've made me into the person I am today. You learn from youre experiences..

2 broken hearts | Meet me in montauk..

[31 Jan 2005|10:06pm]

[ mood | grateful ]


so a memory i don't want to remember...


Well I thought I never wanted to remember the day I realize he changed. The look in his eyes. Like something hollow and bitter and wasted. Something dead that's body had been used as a home for a demon. It's sounds dramatic but hey...i'm trying to paint a picture that everyone can understand. After that, things just got worse. I never want to remember the night I had my worst panic attack and he flipped out and then said he couldn't remember anything he just said or did. That was so scary but maybe he was just lying then...I never want to remember the fight or anything after...the hospital, the cop urging me to make a decision, katie's tears, the questions, the pain, the confusion, the way i had to face mr. b, the embarrassment. i want to forget it all. let's just pretend we broke up easy. with love and stars and happiness and longing. let's pretend he went away to college on a whim and i couldn't come. let me think that our love was never spoiled and that everything wasn't a lie. let me believe i wasn't in love with a phantom behind a mask full of dark secrets. help me break the connection i still feel with him. i want freedom from the memories that keep my mind hostage.

maybe then i will love again with the same blindness and openness.

but then again...i'm happy for the memories to keep me from not wanting him again. i'm happy that my hurt and denial has lead me finally to anger...b'c in fate's silly way i am being broken of my chains with my angers energy. when i was with Kellin, I missed my ex's warmth and the comfort i felt but I adore the freedom and honesty and mystery that was Kellin. He brought me rain to wash away the bleeding wounds and then rainbows to my colorless night.

And maybe...one day I will forget him and the way we held eachother.

Meet me in montauk..

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